"WHEN HE'S DONE, IT'S DONE"

I think it's safe to say that a lot of you get your very own memory video played in your head when reading the header of this post. I talked to a acquaintance who, upon hearing the name of this post, said "I know everything about that" which spiraled on to be the talk this text is based on.

This is the story about a CIS-woman who have slept with men who acted like it didnt matter if she had an orgasm or not, and why she slept with these men. Mostly, the stories stam from the sexual relationships with three men.

In this post, we are discussing "dead fish"-syndrome and favors slash service in return.
We also talk about how to demand things for your own pleasure and how that is received.




This blog is about the phenomena and not the individual, which is why she stays anonymous. In this text she goes by the name of Anna.

For Swedish version of this post, click here. 

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ME: The topic is ”When he's done, it's done.” You said earlier that you know everything about that. 

ANNA: Yes, because that's how it's been. In every relationship. Except... this last one. 

ME: Excuse my bluntness now but... why have you agreed to that? 

ANNA: Well... Because. I am nice? Like... "Now they are satisfied. Good. Everyone's happy." 

ME: Have you been "happy and satisfied" by then? 

ANNA: Usually not. 

ME: And the men you've had sex with... have they showed that they care whether or not you orgasm? 

ANNA: No... no. 

ME: Not at all? How do you find sex with people who doesn't care about that? 

ANNA: It's almost like two different experiences, one while and one afterwards... It's hard to explain. Now, when looking back on it, I've definitly felt like I've been there for their sake. As a body. So they can have a good time. But I really don't get much out of it. 

ME: And still, this is people you've had sex with more than once? To go back to a situation like that, is it fair to assume that you get something out of it? Have you thought about what that could be? 

ANNA: I think it's a lot about confirmation. They want to meet me again, that gives me some kind of validation. 

ME: Have you ever faked an orgasm?

ANNA: No. I've never done that. 

For a moment, both of us are quiet.  

ME: …So it's been obvious for the both of you that you havn't finished? What happens after that kind of sex, and during? Are they willing to, for example, go down on you or do they show any kind of interest in making you happy and satisfied? 

ANNA: …Once, I did ask one of these men if wanted to do oral on me. He said straight no. "I won't do it." And still, he was all about me doint different stuff, asking me to do this and that... 

ME: So you've been in a situation when you ask the guy you're with if he wants to do stuff on you... and he says no... and then... he asks if you can do the same on him... and expects a yes?  

ANNA: Yeah. 

ME: Interesting situation. Do you have any motivation for agreeing to this?

ANNA: No good. 

ME: How about a bad one? 

ANNA: Haha well... I guess I really wanted it to be good for him. I had already done it so many times when I asked him to do it to me. 

ME: How did you feel when he said no?

ANNA: At first I felt... Stupid, like "shit, I should never ask him to do anything on my ever again". Then I felt a bit discussing in my own body, like "why wouldn't he want to go down on me?" And finally I was like... "No means no" and accepted it. 

ME: So if no means no, did you ever say no to this guy? That you didn't feel like going down on him or have sex at all? 

ANNA: No.

ME: And after he had refused to go down on you, did it still feel OK to go down on him 

ANNA: Yeah... Yes it did. 

ME: Of course it's not a favor for a favor. It's not like... "Now we have sex I'm this position for my pleasure and then we have sex in that position for your pleasure", like, putting the timer to five minutes each. But really, I really would have liked to talk to these guys, ask how they motivate this... With a couple of male friends I have discussed the "dead fish syndrome", the difference between someone just laying there and someone actively participating in the act. 

Personally I would not like to have sex with someone who is not as ready as I am. I definitely don't mean I always nail the equal participation sex, but I like to think that if I notice someone not being as active as I am I'd stop and asked what's really up with them, like "how are you now? Why doesn't it feel like the last time we did this? Why doesn't it feel like it use to when you have sex with someone?" (Laugh)

ANNA: Yeah I guess it has been somewhat of a dead fish syndrome. 

ME: And they have not reacted at all to this? 

ANNA: No It's mostly one guy that I found it weird with regarding this, because prior to having sex we had actually talked about this phenomena and he said he couldn't stand it. Still, he didn't react at all... 

ME: Is there anything you could have done to improve the situation, the sex, personally? 

ANNA: I could have demanded more, been more outspoken about me not getting as much out of it as my partners did. But... I didn't dare. I think that mostly comes down with me being afraid of them say thankyoubyeeeeee if I was "demanding" and asked for things.

ME: But now you're with a new partner with whom it isn't "all done just because he is. What has changed?

ANNA: It's hard to know if I am the one who has changed, because I don't know that yet. But he is really so different from other relationships I've had. He cares. He feels bad when I don't finish. He's like "why are we even doing this if you don't get to come?" 

ME: That's really sweet.

Anna laughs.

ME: How much do you think it has to do with him as a person?

ANNA: Probably a lot, but I also think it has to do with me, but I don't know in what ways just yet. I think I might need more time to analyze over it. 

ME: In what ways is it different?

ANNA: With the others, it feels like... I'm here for their enjoyment. I am a body. There is a whole down there that they think is sooo nice, so they use it. 
With him it's more like... Ah, it's so hard to explain. He is so attentive. I am not there for him, he is not there for me: we are there for each other. 

ME: How was your relationship before you started having sex?

ANNA: We had not dated or likely before we had sex but we had known each other for quite some time. We weren't really friends tho, but we've been there in the periphery of each others circles. Weä've always had some kind of relation to each other. It probably has something to do with it all. 

ME: So, suppose he has finished, you are not done, what happens? Firstly, does he know that you haven't finished? 

ANNA:  We have such an amazing communication, which I have not had with the former guys. So yes, he does. 

ME: How do you communicate that to him? And how does he take it? 

ANNA: He is so open minded. I can talk with him about everything. So it's just to say it. And then he goes like... "Oh well, we really have to do something about that." 
The problem may be that I don't always know what I need to get an orgasm, but he told me that I apparently make it very easy for him. Once, I was laying on him with my fingers laying on his neck and he told me that "you put a little pressure, like, rhythmically... So I just follow the rythm. You make it very easy for me to know when I am doing it right." 
I then said "But now I'll be so aware of my fingers!", to which he replies "No, don't focus on your fingers right now." 

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Almost a little to good to be true, this fairytale end of this very first post here.

Now I want to hear about YOUR experiences!
Do they have happy endings? (Pun obviously intended)

Tell me EVERYTHING
and your story might be the reason other people solve their sexual riddles. 

Share your opinions and stories in the comment section below
or send them to me at

feliciaaxelsson.s@gmail.com

Thank you for reading.