"IT WAS LIKE HE WAS DIGGING FOR KEYS IN MY PUSSY"

Wine date. Golden hour in the last days of summer.
Naala takes us to a secluded table in the rear end of the bar and tells me, in graphic descriptions and vivid hand movements, about her experiences with what we end up categorizing as 'Selfish Lovers'.

When I push record on the voice memo to not miss a word of her tales, I start to wish I had a YouTube channel so I actually could film her.
When Naala talks, you are on stand-up comedy. She articulates, roll her eyes and count on her fingers the things this bad lover did wrong, like she was stating items on a grocery list.

It for sure would have provided this blog, and my hypotethic YT-channel, a great clip, if I was able to record instead of transcribing. But then, the point of this blog also would have been squandered: it's not really about the person who tells the story - it's about the possible thoughts and insights the story awakens in its viewers.

You do want to read this.

The names are, as usual, altered.

The very same post is available in SWEDISH HERE.

_____________

NAALA: Guys... They want you to go down on them, they want us to cuddle them, caress them, kiss their neck, their torso, their nipples. We are requested to do sooo much, we're supposed to be sexy and sensual, and we should be shaved, have soft skin, perfect hair...
But when the table turns... They can look however. They don't even need to be hygenic. They can even smell a bit...

ME: When saying 'them', you mean...?

NAALA: Yeah, I am actually talking about one specific person. He did not want to kiss me, touch me, do basically anything that would be considered 'romantic'. But he wanted massage, he wanted me to go down on him, to do the whole show and act sexy and yada yada. But then he absolutely refused to go down on me.

ME: You did ask him to go down on you?

NAALA: Yeah. And his respons was straight No. He said "I would only do that on my wife, because it is gross otherwise. One simply doesn't do that. I would never go down on a girl who already had someone else inside of her. My future wife will be a virgin, and that's the only reason why I would go down on her, because she would never had been entered by anyone else than me."

JAG: That sounds almost religious. A bit backwards-thinking. I've never heard that before, in my very limited experience of different guys (wink wink, since my mom is reading this...)

NAALA: (Laughs)

JAG: ...And I've never been with someone who wants a virgin over all.

NAALA: That's what I thought too! It hit me like a shock. He wanted a girl who knew what she was doing, being good at riding, good at oral... yet he wanted a virgin? I don't understand how that would work.
But back to the guy: he said he would "show me his skills in the bedroom", he would "rock my world", he would give me the best sex I've eeeever had in my life.

ME: He said this to you?

NAALA: Yepp. So my expectations were thiiis high (She hold up her hand towards the roof).
So... When we came to the bedroom, I realized he didnt want to kiss me, nor touch me... But I felt like "well whatever". I was very curious about how he would solve the best six of my life without any kind of foreplay, but I was ready.

ME: He must have had a magical penis? Right? That's how I assume he would make that happen.

NAALA: Exactly. It's the only logical explanation.
Somehow, he would give me so much pleasure withput stimulating my brain.
Sex is not just... penis + vagina. It's so much about touching, caressing, kissing, making me feel sexy and desireable. even if I know I am, it's still good to hear it.

ME: A lot of a woman's identity cirles around us being attractive, which is why it's not weird that we need confirmation that we indeed has succeeded with this goal.

NAALA: Yeah, like that. Kiss me, somewhere, would you? Nope. He didn't want to. Go down on me? Nope. He didn't want to.
So picture this: I enter the bedroom, I lay on the bed, he says: "So... Come on?"
...

ME: Woah.

NAALA: I was like "...what?"
"Yeah. Get it on with."
So then I am just supposed to drop my clothes, which makes me feel really awkward. It's so clear that I am only doing this for his sake. It does nothing for me.
So while I am getting myself undressed, he is also getting himself undressed. I look at him like "what should I do? You dont want any closeness, so the only thing that's left is me looking at you."
He starts to squeeze my thigh and I try to relaxe, try to tell myself that this might be good. I still have some traces of hope of that, you know?
Then he starts to finger me. He had desribed his fingers like he had magic in them, like sparks would fly, you name it.

ME: Unicornfingers?

NAALA:  So he starts. And it feels like he is looking for his keys deep inside my vagina. I was sure his finger would poke out of my belly button, that's how hard he was digging. He was mining for gold, promise you. A thing that would naturally give me a lot of good feelings ended up a play I had to perform to make it seem like I was enjoying this treatment.

ME: Why did you feel like you had to pretend to like it?

NAALA: I just couldn't say it was not good. This is a human who responses very badly to critisism and would go like "then screw this" if I was about to say it was not good. He would be like "Oh fuck this then, go fuck someone else then."

ME: You'd be like "yes, please."

NAALA: Yeah, but, I felt like I had to be... nice.

ME: It's so interesting that you say you felt like you needed to be nice, because that is kind of the contraire of what my picture of you is. You are very straight forward and I am surprised you felt like you needed to please someone.

NAALA: I know, but sometimes I feel like I need to put on a face. In prior relations I haven't had problem with telling someone how I would like it, but with this human I felt like the delivery of constructive criticism would not fly so well. It would leave a scratch on his ego.

ME: And why would scratching his ego be a problem, when his ego in fact was a little bit too pumped up in that situation?

NAALA: Really I should just have said "you know what? Not feeling it, bye."
I don't have any reasonable explanation for why I didn't put my foot down, why I didn't just leave, but it was a new kind of pressure that sprung upon me. I would have felt dumb if I said anything.
I don't know if it was because we were in his apartment, under his roof... maybe it was because we had been friends for so long before this, I felt a bit... Stupid. When I really shouldn't have. It was my body, my body that didn't like it. He acted like he felt it was so WOW tho...

ME: I think it is an interesting phenomenon, that even these strong independent women ends up in this situation where it just doesn't feel like you have any mandat to say no. The social pressure to please is at times so strong. And, like you said, you were already at his place.

NAALA:  I actually just thought I want it to be done so I could leave and never speak to this gnome again.
It sounds tragic, what I am about to say now, but I forced myself to think of other things, other people, in order to get wet. So he wouldn't know I didn't like it.
And, then, listen, when he was about to give me the best sex of my life, it went like in-out-in-out-in-out-AND-THEN-WE'RE-DONE.

ME: Sexy.

NAALA: Most amazing thirty seconds of my life. (So this is sarcasm, in case someone misinterpreted that).
You don't barely have time to realize what is happening in thirty seconds. It was like... "I'm done!".
He rolled over, turned around so he laid on his back and exhaled like he thought it was a great game.
I looked at him like he was an idiot.
"What about me?"
"No but... Eh... I am tired and... Why didn't you finish when I did?"

After that it was like I got my speaking ability back and said "You are literal shit. You said you would give me the Channing Tatum experience, Magic Mike XXL, and then it turned out to be... Nothing."
"No but eh it was the alcohol and shit..."
AND, listen to this: (Naala pushes her  sig lips close close to the phone so it wouldn't miss to record a single word) 
He said. To me. That. It was my fault. That he came too fast. Because I was too tight.
Like that was a bad thing.

ME: Are there anything you wish to do in that situation, instead of proceeding with the act?

NAALA: I wish I had left as soon as he said "Come on". Like, left the apartment.
I don't know if it was the pressure of being sexy, and the need to uphold that image.
I felt diminshed, but at the same time I was like "well whatever". For his sake. So he can feel good and enjoy this.
Would he have told me beforehand that he didn't like to go down on girl, or even kiss or cuddle, I would not ever have sex with him.

ME: But he did not tell you this beforehand.

NAALA: No, that was the problem. He'd sold it like it was going to be so good I would finish before he'd even enter me, that was how good he'd proclaimed it to be.

ME: Do you think he had any understanding of how you felt about the sex?

NAALA: I don't think so. Or, more like, if I hadn't said anything afterwards he would have thought he really rocked my world.

ME: It's a truth universally acknowledged that there is nothing a woman desires more than short sex, preferably under a minute.
What would have helped you to say something while it was all going on? Is there any way you could have gotten your voice back during?

NAALA: Weeeell... It was finished before I could even react. It was like I had thought about something else for a second and then was like "did I miss it all?".
I do think the experience helped me realize how important it is to communicate and set up your own limits, tho. That it is ok to say no, that nothing bad happens when you do it.
Nowadays I think that it should be 50/50, if you give, you should be entitled to something back.
When I left this guys place, I felt so low, like I was a sex doll...

JAG: Did you feel like a body? 

NAALA: YES EXACTLY! A body! Like a hanging piece of meat at the butcher's. I don't ever want to feel like that again. That feeling made me realize that you have the rights to decide over your body and your pleasure and what you need. Communicate. Find a person that wants you as much as you want them. It's about balance. You  should never feel like you need to act a certain way for the sex to be good. 

JAG: How has it been with the partners after this guy? 

NAALA: After that piece of poop I've taken it so, so, slow and really asked myself, every second of it, if this is something I like or not. något eller inte. I don't feel like I need to live up to another person's expectations of sex and sex appeal. Now, I feel confident in the fact that I could tell the other person my preferences. 
So all in all, I am very happy for the things this experience thought me, even if it was tough while happening.
Now I am going to drink my wine!

_____________

DO YOU HAVE A STORY TO TOP THIS ONE? 

OR TO BOTTOM IT? 

DO YOU WANT TO DRINK WINE WITH ME AND TALK ABOUT IT? 

YEAH YOU DO. 

SEND A LITTLE BUZZ TO 

FELICIAAXELSSON.S@GMAIL.COM